Emotions Smotions

Ninja status. That was the way that I approached the new path that I was taking in my life. Not only had I decided to camouflage the information that I was reading by using book covers but I also decided not to tell anyone what I was doing. I did not want the stress of not being successful in someone’s eyes or even worst yet letting someone down. How humiliating could it be to have not only let my weight get out of control but then to turn around and let the world [most specifically friends and family] know how I had left myself down. It couldn't happen.

I already knew that my food situation was a hugely contributing factor to why and how the scales were tipping but I decided to make a secret two week food journal that incorporated things that were eaten and emotions that were felt while eating them. It was one of the tricks that I had learned from one of the 20 books that I had read by this point, and added an Amante Remix by putting my emotions of paper. I had to pinpoint the culprits and pinpoint what was going on in my head when I was eating them. I look back on those entries now and see a lot of disruption. The first day of that plan, I decided not to eat less or doing anything differently.

Week 1, Day 1 of Secret FJ [food journal]: Breakfast (11:00am) Ihop Pancakes [3] with a chicken fajita omelet with ketchup and hot sauce, 2 cups of apple juice [32 oz] and a lot of Butter Pecan Syrup. Snack (1:30pm): 1 piece of Carrot Cake with a cup of 2% milk. Lunch (3:00pm) I turkey sandwich with mayo, mustard, lettuce, four pieces of turkey and 2 pieces of American Cheese w/ a Kiwi Strawberry Snapple. Dinner: (7:30pm) Chinese Food: General Tso Chicken with Chicken Fried Rice [entire carton], Duck Sauce, hot sauce, and 1 Sprite. 2nd Snack (12am): 1 Grapeade Snapple, with a Nature Valley Granola Bar.

Feelings for the day: Today I felt very overwhelmed and stressed out. I spent the entire day looking for a job and putting out resume’s, but for the bulk of the day aside from Ihop I stayed in the house. No one was home, so I finally got to eat my slice of carrot cake that had been sitting there forever. I really wanted to eat another piece for dinner but figured that my grandmother might say something since she’s home. I hate to admit it but the best feeling in the world is feeling full and I just don’t know how to stop. I want to be filled up and feel like when I get upset all I have to do Is eat and not have to worry about anything in the world. The best piece of my life is trying to compensate for lack of sleep at night by overeating to make myself sleep during the day. I want to be smaller but Lord help me if I have to drop my go to foods to get there. Maybe I should get the surgery, then I could lose the weight, be acceptable and not have to put the shame in my face. Why should I look back at my indiscretions and fault myself for what I eat. I know my body is a machine that should take in foods that it will burn but does it really matter if I use mine as a vessel for pain suppression. I miss my triangular lover and even as I write this the Orange package is glowering at me in accusation… "Leaving me alone doesn’t make the cravings you have nor your deeper subconscious want go away" is what they'd say. Stop staring at me package!

Ladies and Gentlemen, let’s a take a moment to reflect on this entry. I wish to the deepest depths of my soul that they were not true. But since that faithful day I have written down everything I eat with accompanying emotions for the last three years minus 6 months when I thought I had recovered,cured myself and subsequently relapsed. [Food is as much a drug as crack, except it has the nerve to be socially acceptable. You take it one day at a time with your 12 steps (we’ll go into those on another day]) What was I to do? With no money, how could I embark on all this great things that were being spoken about in all these books that I had been reading and salivating over the before and after pictures. So in a sense, let me synthesize what I could do. I decide that since I could not afford the gym membership nor all the cool weight loss equipment with my forty- dollars in the bank, I would journal and damn it by all means necessary MOVE AROUND. I looked for jobs on foot, and kept my secret journal for two weeks before I decided to take any action with my eating. I literally walked [unbeknowdst of my family] from my childhood home in Cypress Hills, past Broadway junction, down Fulton street and into the heart of downtown Brooklyn in two hours, and forced myself weather permitting to take the same route home. I “found” my pair of sneakers that I had bought while in college still complete with matching New Balance tag and bright brown box.

How fitting. I can say that now without self hate. I was looking for a new balance and those sneakers and I started our new relationship, much to the chagrin of my former lovers. And I mean all lovers, men included. I did not date for an entire yr in a hope to finally make something in my life completely about myself, and do the good thing and work on my fitness. It was hard, and challenging and simultaneously beautiful. The only voice in your head is your own, and while it was stressing I was able to really work on my food intake by not worrying about the customary date nights, date food, and stress from a relationship that might trigger me to binge eat. As I told you, you do not have to follow the same things that I did but I realized that I could never focus on me when everyone and everything else was more important than me. Simply Impossible.

Those sneakers and I are still in a relationship and yes they are more understanding now of other people in that equation [including a newer pair of sneakers that take me out twice a week]. And my friends, we have battled. From the days when I was breaking them in, from the days when I introduced them to running on pavement, to spinning, and to walking around Brooklyn. Now our relationship is much more peaceful. We don’t fight as much nor do we argue about the course of action for the morning. Now we simply look at each other and with agreed understanding we make a pact to wage war with the evil beings who prevented us from getting a good night’s sleep. I cant even count how many times we’ve kicked the mess out of my bed. Solidarity! Road Warriors and inseparable is what we are. But it wasn’t easy. Walking around Brooklyn on foot still doesn’t raise your heart rate, nor tone you up, or even get the pounds off the way you want. Everything I am now and feel now did not come from exploring my home borough. It came from confronting those emotions that I put on paper, and having a conversation with the little Darnisa who never had a nickname, never felt pretty, nor had any accomplishments to her name. I had to encourage her to let go, and to sync/ merge with the new adult Darnisa so we could have some peace.